Marriage is more than just a union of husband and wife. In law, it is a contract voluntarily entered into by both parties, knowing that they have to make good of their marital rights and obligations towards each other. Part of these rights is to demand psychological, emotional, financial, and different kinds of legal support from their spouse. On the other hand, part of the spouse’s obligation to their better half is to make sure that they stay faithful to their marriage vows.

The same principle applies to unmarried couples. Though they’re not legally bound by law, the fact that they entered into a romantic relationship presupposes that they should be loyal to each other.

Getting into a relationship is a big decision, so regardless if there’s a law that regulates your union, you should maintain good faith in your dealings with each other. And good faith, in this case, means you should never defraud or betray your partner’s trust.

Sanctity of Unions and Relationships

The sanctity of relationships is something the law highly regards. This is why if a man takes in a mistress, he could be charged with concubinage, while his mistress gets sued with bigamy.

When a married woman engages in an extramarital affair, she could likewise be sued for adultery along with her paramour. Aside from these legal consequences, either party could also file a divorce petition.

Though no such legal protection is offered to unmarried couples, natural laws could always be asserted to move the erring party to stop his illicit affairs.

Challenges in Every Couple’s Partnership

Unfortunately, stories of people we know tell us that not everything in the marriage and relationships will be smooth sailing. More often than not, even if couples genuinely love each other, they will never be spared from heartaches and heartbreaks.

Since people have different motivations behind getting into a relationship, it’s almost impossible to develop a foolproof formula that will always guarantee a happy, committed relationship for life. And since people are inherently insatiable, it’s almost a given that there will come a time that they would look for what their better half lacks in other people.

Fortunately, even if these are the harsh and biting truths about marriage and human relationships, it doesn’t mean that legal unions are shams and relationships are hopeless. For as long as the couple is still willing to work things out, they can overcome the repercussions of infidelity.

What Is Infidelity?

The more common term to refer to infidelity is cheating. This simply means being unfaithful to one’s partner or spouse. It could be in the form of romantic or sexual relations with a third party, thereby breaking one’s promise or commitment.

Each infidelity is different from another and fulfills varying needs. Knowing the reason behind the act wouldn’t take away the pain, but it can help the aggrieved party rationalize their partner’s behavior and ease the confusion. It can also help the betrayed partner move on more confidently in the relationship.

What Are the Forms of Infidelity?

There are five types of infidelity. They may differ in motivations and causes, but one couldn’t discount the fact that they all cause excruciating pain and suffering. Here are the following:

Opportunistic infidelity

As the term suggests, this type of infidelity is driven by opportunities, situational circumstances, alcohol use, drug abuse, or risk-taking behavior. The partner committing such infidelity may be head over heels in love with their partner, but they just couldn’t resist the urge to give in to their sexual desires when an opportunity pops out.

Theresa DiDonato, a social psychologist, said that not all acts of cheating are products of premeditation and dissatisfaction with their current partners. It could be that they’re drinking, and they’re caught in a circumstance that made cheating convenient and seemingly inescapable.

In this kind of infidelity, the person who is more in love with their partner is more likely to feel more guilt. However, this guilty feeling will subside as soon as the fear of getting caught also lessens.

Obligatory infidelity

This kind of betrayal is motivated by the person’s fear of rejection. That person thinks that if they reject or resist someone’s flirting and sexual advances, they will gain other people’s disapproval.

Unfortunately, their fear of rejection is more significant than their love for their partners, that they end up cheating on them. Aside from wanting other people’s approval, individuals caught up in this situation hate not winning other people’s attention.

Romantic infidelity

Sometimes, people in committed relationships feel that something is missing in their partnership that they engage in extradyadic affairs.

The cheating partner, in this case, often has little affection and emotional attachment for their other half. They may have been married or in a committed relationship for a long time, but they still long for a loving, intimate connection with another person other than their spouse.

Their commitment to the relationship may have prevented them from totally leaving, but it isn’t often enough to make them rethink their options. Fortunately, this type of infidelity rarely turns into a committed and long-term relationship with a third party. Most of the time, the couple’s marital problems need to be severe to push the other spouse to leave and be with his or her lover.

Conflicted infidelity

This kind of cheating happens when the cheating partner experiences sexual desire and genuine love for more than one partner at a given time. While some people believe that it’s impossible to love two persons simultaneously, others can feel intense romantic feelings for more than one lover.

However, though this is emotionally possible, it can lead to extreme stress and anxiety. In most cases, the cheating partner often moves heaven and earth to keep anyone from getting hurt. Unfortunately, their effort ultimately leads to breaking everyone’s hearts.

Commemorative infidelity

This is a kind of infidelity wherein the cheating partner has no love for the other. What keeps them together in the absence of attachment, love, or sexual desire, is one’s sense of obligation.

Studies show that when either of the couples in a romantic relationship feels lacking in love and commitment, they may be generally dissatisfied with the relationship. In this case, the cheater still intends to keep up with appearances since they don’t want to be branded as the cause of the breakup or the one who hurt the other.

How Frequently Does it Happen, and Who Cheats More?

Dr. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a project scientist from the University of California and an author of various books on relationships, conducted a study to determine who among men and women are more likely to cheat and how frequently do they cheat on each other.

DePaulo backed author Lauri Essig’s declaration that not all couples in committed relationships are always faithful. In her study, she revealed that over 50% of married men reported cheating on their wives in the course of their marriage. As for married women, DePaulo’s study showed that over 10 to 15% of them admitted committing varying forms of infidelity.

She also pointed out in people over 65, the likelihood of men cheating is higher by 50%. As for people within the 18 to 24 age brackets, the likelihood of women cheating on their partners increased by 81%. Fortunately, the study also showed that across all ages, 86% admitted that they have always been faithful, while 64% believe cheating to be inherently wrong.

From these numbers, you can see that infidelity is common across genders for people within the 18 to 24 age bracket. As people age, the lesser they engage in extramarital affairs, with only a tiny fraction of them admitting infidelity. And though there are people who could cheat and justify their actions, a vast majority still thinks it’s inherently wrong to keep a mistress or paramour.

What Do Most Couples Decide On?

While some couples end their relationship after finding out that one of them cheats, it’s hard for most to break up because of the attachment and memories they shared. So, while the cheating incident rocks the relationship down to its core, some still choose to work things out. Admittedly, this decision doesn’t come as a surprise, considering the nature of the relationship.

A couple enters into a relationship because they love or feel an emotional attachment towards each other. Couples also end up marrying because they want to start a family together. The person you marry or have a relationship with becomes an important figure in your life as you make memories, win victories, and weather storms together. In other words, they become an extension of yourself.

You can’t just turn off the emotional switch when this person hurts you, right? You can’t just look the other way and leave without finding the cause and work out your differences. That attachment explains why some people find it hard to move on without proper closure. They’re so attached that they couldn’t forget the fun memories together or how their lover used to make them feel.

The same deep level attachment forces people to confront the problem head-on and try to mend broken trust. Couples often spend time apart to think, cool down, and mourn over the heartache. This intense cooling-off period often helps couples deal with each other’s emotions and baggage before getting back together or finally decide to separate.

Denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance

Nothing can be resolved when emotions are still running high. Usually, after finding out that their partner cheated on them, the party cheated and underwent this process --- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While in the denial phase, the party cheated on refuses to believe that the love of their life has betrayed them. This is when they refuse to confront the issue but silently get tortured by thoughts of such betrayal.

When they finally accepted that their other half cheated on them, the pain and hurt that goes with it will slowly sink in. This is when they feel intense anger towards the people who ruined the relationship.

People have different ways of showing and releasing their anger. While some are destructive and vocal, others could be silent yet vengeful. This explains episodes wherein you’ll see third parties being attacked by the wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend of the person they’re having an affair with.

Once the pangs of anger subside, now comes the bargaining stage. Here, the party cheated on regrets for their outbursts and begins to apologize to their cheating partner. They usually blame themselves for the infidelity; that’s why when they bargain, they often pledge to change and be better so that their partner won’t cheat on them again.

After the bargaining stage, the party being cheated on usually enters into a manic and depressive state wherein they feel helpless, unworthy, and terrible about themselves. They’ll continue to blame themselves for the misgivings of their partner, that they end up emotionally tortured and exhausted.

As they would put it, no matter how dark the skies are, there will always be a silver lining. After all these terrible and toxic phases, the person cheated on finally learns to accept what happened and gets ready to move forward to the next stage of their life. Whether they get back together or separate for good, that depends on the amount of effort the erring party puts in to win back the trust of his or her better half.

Surprisingly, studies show that couples often end up mending the problem instead of ending the relationship. And fortunately, the storm caused by such infidelity often ends up strengthening the couple’s relationship. As the betrayed party forgives the cheating partner, the latter makes a more conscious effort never to cause another heartbreak.

How Does Couples’ Counseling Help in the Recovery Process?

It doesn’t need an expert opinion to say that infidelity can cause irreparable damage to the relationship. Most of the time, people who got cheated on find it hard to trust again that they often overthink their partner’s words and actions.

They may have talked about the past infidelity, and the cheating partner may have already asked for forgiveness, but they could still cling to the memories of the affair. In the end, instead of mending the relationship, the couple ends up hating each other.

At worst, the cheating party may even regret having asked for forgiveness at all. You see, this is what happens when couples fail to process the whole cheating experience.

Therapy and Counseling as Tools to Mend the Relationship

Counseling is a valuable tool to help couples suffering from the blow of infidelity. It can address the needs of both the erring and cheated partner. In fact, if they take it seriously, it could mend and save their broken relationship. Counseling allows them to openly talk about the whole cheating experience, effectively bringing the strain out of their system.

It could also be a venue where couples can bond and share something in common. It’s like solving a problem as a team --- it strengthens the bond between the parties involved. If they intend to separate, counseling can be a tool for a more peaceful and civil breakup.

Couples suffering from the ill effects of infidelity can try discernment counseling. Here, their relationship is being magnified and put on the table. They get to decide what happens next --- whether they stay or go. Since couples often start the counseling with opposing wishes, the therapist and process can move them to an agreement.

Therapy to Tackle Reasons for the Infidelity

People have different motivations when choosing to cheat on their partners. For one, it could be their addiction to sex and lack of self-esteem. For another, it could be for revenge or avoid rejection.

Whatever the reasons for the cheating partner are, therapy can bring these issues to light and resolve them. Each of the parties could undergo separate one-on-one sessions to identify where this dissatisfaction emanates and address it. If sex addiction is one of the reasons, the couples could consider undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Understanding the Infidelity Recovery Process

Recovery from infidelity is often a long and complex process. It could even be longer and more demanding for couples who wish to get back together. However, those undergoing therapy must understand that there’s no guarantee that their relationship will fully recover from the infidelity. There’s also no telling how long the recovery process might take.

Despite this uncertainty in the extent of the recovery process, experts agree in saying that emotional healing can happen within two years after the infidelity. However, the experts also don’t discount the fact that some couples mend their relationship sooner.

The point is there’s no definite recovery timeline. It depends on how driven the erring party is to win back the love of their life and how willing the other one is to work out the relationship.

Takeaway

While it’s easier to apologize than ask for permission, certain things couldn’t be easily forgiven. This is especially true in cases of infidelity. Though you can always say sorry and promise to be better after an honest or intentional mistake, the damage has already been done. Yes, you can spend the rest of your life making up for your lapses, but it’s definitely hard to regain one’s trust.

Then again, if you find yourself or your loved one in this situation, it isn’t the end of the world. If you genuinely intend to mend your broken relationship but don’t know where or how to start, you can seek help from professional counselors and therapists. They might force you to confront and kill your demons, but you will surely emerge as better individuals --- whether or not you end up together after the process.

Looking to get married with your partner outside of your country? Read ”How to Get Married Abroad: Your Ultimate Guide” to learn more.